I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
