So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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