Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
