I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
