I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
