it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
