so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
