Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
