my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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