I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
