I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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