I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
