I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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