Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
