someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
