you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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