If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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