yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
