This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
