She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
