Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
