im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
