you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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