She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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