the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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