She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I touched a dick in church today
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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