I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
