i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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