so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
