Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
