"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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