So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I supernannyed him into submission
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
