Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
