Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
