I look better un-naked...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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