You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
