so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Holy sore nipples Batman
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
