Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Randomize
