Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
