How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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