I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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