dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
