On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
