Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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