Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
