I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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