apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
