Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
