im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
