I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
