Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
