I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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