Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
