the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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