Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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